I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
