Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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