I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Randomize
