i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
