a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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