im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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