sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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