I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
