Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
