apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
