u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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