Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
