Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
