i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I want to be your penis for a week.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
