I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
