nut hugger
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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