There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
