She is in my trunk
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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