I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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