how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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