you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
