I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
