The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
