I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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