One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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