Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I can't put those talents on a resume
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
