I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
