My underwear smells like fireworks.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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