you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
