who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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