I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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