SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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