i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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