I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
