that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
