I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
