At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
