I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
