first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
