I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
