True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
