They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
