Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
