No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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