I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
