please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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