Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
