Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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