Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
