I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
